As a general rule of thumb, we like to keep the marriage proposals as few and far between as possible (I think I maxed out at 4 or 5 in one month) – because while there are a lot of great booties out there, only some will stand the test of time. With saying that, I have confidence that one booty will look as great in 15 years as it does now, and that is why I have penned this open letter to Jen Selter.
I know I’m not the typical muscle man that you probably date, and I’m sure you prefer the smell of his Dolce cologne to that of my basement palace’s mild mix of doritos and sweat, but let me ask you this – can Muscles guarantee you 3 home cooked meals a day? Because mum is always whipping up something in the kitchen and you could set your watch by the dinner bell. While I can’t guarantee you will be sexually satisfied, I can guarantee that I will be – and in the end, it’s better to give than receive, right? I don’t have a ring and I can’t shower you in gifts, but I read an article recently that diamonds are bullshit, so I know you wouldn’t want one of those silly things.
While mum is the number 1 woman in my life, you’ll definitely be my number 2, possibly 1.5! So, how does that sound?
If interested, please have your people contact my people
(mum’s number is 416-555-3828).
PS: Did I mention we have digital cable and high speed internet?